Thoughts on Divorce

I was riding the L Thursday morning and overheard two women lamenting what one called the "curse" of divorce. These were older ladies, West Indian. They sat huddled side by side, both bundled into dark, heavy coats that looked too big for them. Each clutched a copy of The Watchtower tightly to her chest.

"Don' no one care no more 'bout God's holy union no more."

"Yes, sista, dat's da truth now-in-day. Don' no one care 'bout dat no more, no way."

It wasn't much of a discussion, really. They already shared precisely the same view on the subject, so the dialogue just kind of went around in circles, like a dog chasing it's own tale.

It got me thinking, though. Everyone seems to agree that the high divorce rate in the US is a catastrophe. Everyone seems to agree divorce traumatizes children, bankrupts parents, corrodes familial bonds, and undermines social stability. Some of that may be true. But look at existing societies where the divorce rate is low, and you immediate see they share several common features. Among them:

1) Women have few, if any, legal rights. The U.S. divorce rate hovers around 50%. In about 75% of cases, divorce proceedings in the U.S. are initiated by women. Are we to believe that women in, say, rural India are much less likely to file for divorce than US women because they are so much more content in their marriages? I doubt it. More likely, women in rural India simply lack access to the legal system.

2) Most women lack economic power. Divorce rates are low in societies where women have few, if any, opportunities to earn a living wage.

3) Most women are poorly educated. Not only is a low divorce rate associated with low educational levels among women, but so is early marriage, a high birth rate and a high maternal mortality rate.

2) Marriages are often arranged. In societies where arranged marriages are common, the marriage relationship itself is often conceived as a purely functional one. Each partner has a clearly defined role to play. Each partner is expected to play that role. End of story. Questions about whether the partners love each other or genuinely want to be together are largely irrelevant.

3) Divorce imposes a severe social stigma on the partners, especially on the woman and, often, on children born to the marriage. This was once true in the U.S., and not that long ago, either. Back in college, I had a professor, a man in his late 60s, who grew up in a small town in eastern Texas. As a child, one of his classmate's parents were divorced. Most of the other parents in town forbid their children from going to this child's house or from associating with him outside of school. The community saw the boy's mother as a fallen woman and suspected her of being "loose." The boy, having been raised by such a mother, was not deemed a suitable playmate or friend for children who came from "decent" families.

The fact people stay married doesn't necessarily mean they value marriage more. It doesn't mean they are more responsible, more mature, or that they love their children more than people who divorce. Often, it just means the consequences of divorce are so dire--again, especially for women--many choose to stay married despite being miserable, neglected, exploited or abused.

Most of us want to live in a society where we are free to choose our own partners, where we feel entitled to have them treat us well, where we expect the freedom to exit relationships that we find unbearable or unsatisfying. So long as that remains the case, we will have to accept our high divorce as a fact of life. A high divorce rate is the price we pay for free society. It is really that simple.